Writing to write the possibilities

The first Cora restaurant opened its doors on May 27, 1987, exactly on the day I turned 40. Life up until then had been difficult and much later, I’d realize that this birthday would mark a dramatic break, like a revolving door sweeping away a submissive woman’s bleak resignation with one strong turn and replacing it with a liberated woman’s confident hope. That morning, when I opened the small diner with my name on the front, my kids and I were a thousand miles away from knowing it, but we were in fact celebrating the burial of our unhappy past. Year ONE of our reconstruction began when we greeted our first customer. If, by any chance, you were among those who visited us back then, you may have noticed to what lengths we went to delight our clientele and how much we truly cherished them. I confess today that I and the kids were the ones starving. In the kitchen or behind the counter, we were the ones who needed love, who were slowly learning to accept tenderness and affection. Working hard, we were so desperate to have normal lives that a small compliment felt as if we were being handed a gold bar. It’s perhaps because of this deep gratitude towards our customers that I can still remember today these large chunks of life floating in my mind like glaciers making their way out to sea. I worked tirelessly. I devoted myself to the venture for 14 months solid, 7 days a week, without a single day off. I put all my energy into the restaurant and our customers: finding new recipes, designing the menu, placing orders, washing uniforms and then did it all over again. I was anxious about leaving my baby, anxious that a customer might swallow a chicken bone, anxious that a violent wind would take out a window. And especially anxious that it would all go awry and customers would receive poor service if I wasn’t there. “Afraid that the world would stop turning,” remarked my daughter Gigi. The first time the kids forced me to take a break from the restaurant’s kitchen it was for a weeklong trip to Paris. “A room with a view of the Eiffel Tower and a $300 traveller’s cheque for spending,” they added in a matter-of-fact way, placing the envelope in my hand. They bought the airplane ticket and chose Paris because they had overheard me say to the plumber that it was my dream to visit the city one day. Just the thought of leaving the following Saturday kept me awake for four nights in a row. – “Trust me, Mom. The tickets are not refundable, you have to go.” I saw nothing for the first few days, incapacitated by exhaustion in the small room with a view of the Eiffel Tower. In the little time I had left, I walked the streets like an unplugged robot. I suppose that Paris is splendid when one’s eyes are able to contemplate its beauty, but mine were directed at the malevolent crows flying over my little diner. How did I let myself be convinced that I could abandon it? – “So you can rest, Mom! Take a week’s vacation and unwind. Don’t worry, we bought the package with money that our older brother gave us. Relax and enjoy yourself. We love you and we’re going to take care of the baby.” How could my poor little chicks understand that it wasn’t the restaurant that needed me but I who needed it? How to tell them that even in my sleep I flipped eggs on the gridle? How to explain to them that I was a part of the diner’s furniture? That when customers came through the doors, it was they who nourished me. My love of books had evolved from literature and poetry to recipes. From the window of the plane that brought me back I saw the world wrapped in cotton. I couldn’t wait to touch down, to see the kids, to put my apron back on and cook a French-style cream of pumpkin soup. In the baggage hold, my suitcase overflowed with new recipe books for extra-thin crêpes extravagantly garnished and folded. I was so excited to tell the kids about the delicious fruit coulis I’d tasted, the mocha coffee and the extraordinary flavour of the pure butter used in pastries. At 5:45 p.m. local time in Montreal, the huge metal bird touched the ground and all the passengers aboard applauded. I was hoping to be greeted by the kids, but it was Platon, the dishwasher, who was waiting at the arrivals gate. His white jacket, splattered with egg yolk and ketchup, stood out clearly from the crowd that was waiting with arms outstretched. – “Let me take your suitcase, Boss. I came straight from the restaurant.” – “Did something happen? Where are the kids?” – “Don’t worry, Boss, I just finished the dishes. Everything is running smoothly.” Our dishwasher confirmed that the world had not stopped while I was away. Business was brisk, and sales, according to the lovely Gigi, continued to rise, even after I left. The next morning, I briefly had the impression of entering a movie that had already started. Everything was humming. Gigi was at the gridle, the youngest was pouring the crêpe batter and Marie, the waitress, was heading towards the large round table at the front carrying three generous plates of food in her diminutive hands. “Hello? I’m back!” I wanted to shout out. But I held it in. I made my way across the busy dining room like a tiny mouse on a big cheese platter, trying to make as little noise as possible. I went downstairs and sitting on an upside-down margarine pail, I released the ocean of sadness flooding my heart. I repeated to myself the sentence that Platon had said without wishing to spare or hurt me: “Everything is running smoothly.” My little chicks no longer needed me to place bits of food in their beaks. They had grown up. They were right; I was no longer as indispensable as I had thought. And suddenly, as if the universe had heard the echoes of my suffering, I heard my daughter scream “MOM!” – “Mom, the meat guy wants to talk to you about a new cut of ham. Are you interested?” Everything in the kitchen interested me, especially everything to do with our morning specialties! The very next morning, we started to practise all the wonderful ideas that I had brought back from the City of Light, and the world began to spin just like it had before my visit to the Old World. The only change was my new habit of leaving earlier, just after the lunch service. No one objected. It was only then that I started to realize that our breakfast specialty was quickly eclipsing our small diner, becoming more independent and more important than the cook at the griddle. The kids had offered me a wonderful gift and made me realize that they too were now more independent. Together, we could operate more than one restaurant. And with that miraculous epiphany, I started to criss-cross the city looking for a new location. As you know, I went on to found more than 125 across Canada. So many that I have never thought about returning to Paris. But it’s never too late to change one’s mind. Cora ❤️

There are some stories I just never tire of telling. I always feel tremendous happiness remembering how each dish was invented. Sometimes, the inspiration came directly from a client’s mouth, like it did for the 10 star omelette, while other dishes, like the Buckwheat blessing, Tuna melt or Samira wake-up, were inspired by our staff at the time, in the first Cora restaurants. This morning another memory tugs at my mind. I’ve already told you the story, but since my daughter recently celebrated her birthday, I’m treating myself and sharing once again how she concocted one of our most beautiful dishes! Starting the day my first restaurant opened, my three kids and I worked very hard to dazzle and satisfy our clients. I remember those days like it was only yesterday even though 38 years of delighting our clientele have already gone by. All four of us shared the same creative talent. On a beautiful Saturday morning, Gigi arrived at our second restaurant in an inventive mood exactly at the same time as Monsieur Pom, our baker, who was excited to share a new product with us: a delightfully soft raisin-cinnamon brioche. My darling Gigi, a discerning food lover who’s as curious as an owl, rushed forward and took the surprise from his hands. She tore off the packaging and, for a few long minutes, examined, pressed and sniffed the magnificent brioche that would eventually become the choice of millions of our customers with a sweet ’n savoury appetite. Without saying a word, our in-house conjurer of amazing delights, sliced the brioche horizontally in the middle, oblivious to the baker’s baffled gaze. Lost in her thoughts, the young cook surveyed the fruit counter in front of her. The baker, myself and a food-obsessed waitress were all speechless. My daughter’s mind was turning. Then she smiled and called for silence. For a few moments, you could almost hear her neurons crackling, portending something dazzling to come. Gigi dipped each brioche half into our deliciously spiced French toast batter and gently laid them on the griddle. The bread began to quiver before gradually embracing the warmth and crisping into an unexpected treat. My daughter’s face lit up the moment she slipped a spatula under the two golden pieces to transfer them to a large oblong plate. Knowing her, I realized that a new star had just joined the Pantheon of our breakfast menu. Gigi the magician placed a nice sunny-side-up egg and two slices of bacon on one brioche half and garnished the other with a mountain of beautifully cut fresh fruit. “There you go, Mom,” she said rather pleased with herself. “Bravo, my talented daughter! After all the seeds I have been planting in your head, at last, a wonderful harvest.” We christened the new dish “1990’s HARVEST.” The regulars sitting at the counter were immediately offered a taste, and a few days afterwards, the new dish was the reigning star of the illustrations adorning the walls of the second Cora restaurant. Elated by the success of her recent creation, my daughter insisted that we print up a proper menu. This way customers wouldn’t have to twist their necks to look at the walls to see what was available. A menu that would provide a detailed description of the tasty 1990’s HARVEST, along with a line crediting its creation to none other than my talented daughter, Gigi. Of course, one must strike the iron while it’s hot, so I put a few extra hours in each day to put together our first menu. Entirely hand-drawn by myself in black and white, the menu was printed on a single large sheet and folded in four – a source of frustration for our poor customers! Many years later, the 1990’s HARVEST remains one of the most popular breakfasts we’ve invented. This original sweet ’n savoury dish is a fine example of what the morning gastronomic revolution has produced since its start in 1987, with the arrival of Cora restaurants. Any reason is a good reason to treat yourself to a 1990’s HARVEST. A delicious treat, and a darn good sweet ’n savoury breakfast! Cora ❤️

This July is turning out to be so beautiful that it makes me forget all the current miseries on Earth. Waking up with the sun, the first thing I do is turn on the coffee machine. As it brews and fills the kitchen with its aroma, I pour enough cream for 3 to 4 cups of coffee into a pitcher and place it on a tray along with a nice bowl of diced meat, an omelette or boiled egg, cut fruit, cereal and nuts for myself and my early morning friends. Then I settle down on the back patio. Like every morning, they are there, hopping about and chattering, clustered on the glass canopy’s sloping roof. They jabber, shout and caw as if they were pop idols. Then, suddenly, they fall silent. Their black eyes riveted on the tray of treats I’ve placed on the round iron table. They know they’ll soon be enjoying tasty bits thrown on the lawn. While drinking my third coffee, to my great surprise, one of them lands on my table. I’m astonished. It was the first time a bird had come so close to me. I love crows, I talk to them and feed them every morning when the weather is good. I’m not afraid. Maybe they’ve finally understood how much I love them. How much I miss them from mid-October to mid-March when I enjoy my coffee indoors. I’m enraptured by this mysterious creature in front of me who seems to be begging me to listen. I stare at her and she remains motionless. Then, after this long intimate moment, the majestic bird opens its right wing and then, one by one, unfolds its feathers that are darker than the night. I’m dazzled, as are the 15 or so of her friends staring at us from the roof of the house. The crow then uses its sharp beak to pluck out a long feather from its wing and gives it to me. I’m practically trembling as I receive it. The black eyes of this mysterious friend penetrate the white of my own. Slowly she opens her beak, and with a voice like raindrops to a thirsty soul, she tells me: “A HEART IS NOT JUDGED BY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE, BUT BY HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED BY OTHERS.” Words fail me. I’m speechless in front of this talking crow who’s reciting a long enigmatic message for me. What can I reply? Will she hear me and understand what I say? — “Yes, dearest little Coco, I’ll listen and understand what you wish to tell me.” I’m astonished that this crow can not only talk, but also knows the nickname that Dad would affectionately call me once in a while when I was a child. — “I came to make sure you understood the first message.” — “What message are you talking about, beautiful bird?” — “You know, dear Coco, but you didn’t dare to believe in magic. Do you remember the three envelopes given to you in a dream by a fairground fakir in March 2021?” — “I just recited the message in the first envelope. Do you understand it? You were worried that you hadn’t loved your children and those close to you enough. You were afraid that your poor heart would be punished. Don’t worry anymore.” — “Are you a magical bird?” — “No, I’m a mama crow married for life, juggling many family duties. I have to help build the nest. I also find food, brood the young, raise our chicks and take care of our shelter. The other night, while looking for earthworms for dinner, I saw you through the window. You were watching the Judy Garland biography on DVD and had tears in your eyes because the singer’s life was so sad and unhappy.” — “You saw me crying?” — “Yes, at the end of the movie. I also saw you copying the famous final line from The Wizard of Oz into a notebook: “A HEART IS NOT JUDGED BY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE, BUT BY HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED BY OTHERS.” — “This sentence is for you, for your battered heart. Be more gentle with yourself. You are, dear Coco, a good, talented and generous person. And we crows love your treats, your smiles and the delicious attention you give us. Your house is surrounded by big trees and the forest is just steps away. We’re delighted to spend time with you and to be part of your daily life. We crows are called birds of misfortune, but if you think about it, we could help you find happiness. We fly high in the sky and could easily catch an angel by the heel. An angel who could teach you about the magic of believing in the forces of the Universe.” — All my life I’ve wanted to believe in it. Once in deep turmoil, I even wrote a 200-page letter to the Ruler above, to implore his help. At that time, I stared at the sky night and day. I waited for an answer; a hand appearing from behind a cloud, a noticeable trembling in my heart. But nothing happened, and I concluded that the only road open to me was the one on which I had to carry a heavy burden. Thankfully, many years later, the sun finally rose upon my somber life and its light was a second birth for me. — “You’re on the right road, dear Coco, and the pebbles along the way are hurting your feet less and less as you walk. Don’t you notice it? Go forward with joy, keep talking to the birds and use the beautiful feather I offered you. This feather has also been through a lot too, soaked in devotion to daily work.” I’m shaken; the brilliant crow is right. When I read that final line from The Wizard of Oz, I immediately wanted to believe it. The kindness and affection I receive from you, dear readers, is a balm to my heart; as was the applause for Judy Garland probably. Letter after letter, your many comments adorn my daily life, heal my wounds, allow my imagination to take flight, inspire my pen and encourage me to go on. Forgive this flight of whimsy about a crow that gifted me a feather. With millions of little birds appearing on the branches, my eyes, ears and heart are moved to join the magical forces of the universe. Cora ❤️

Have you ever noticed the plate of complimentary fudge next to the cash register at Cora restaurants? Who doesn’t like to finish their meal with a bite of a little something sweet? Offered with the simple desire to bring delight to others, these delicious morsels of love go all the way back to Christmas 1987, in the first Cora restaurant. As you know, after divorcing the father of my three children, I spent many years working six or seven days a week as a restaurant manager to earn a living for my family. After a few years, the long hours wore me down and I was forced to take a leave of more than a year to recuperate. When I got off the couch, the route I took to drive my son to school led me past a restaurant for sale. I opened the first Cora restaurant there and the rest, as they say, is history. Poverty taught us to extend our hand to ask, and, as soon as we could, to give back as well. And without knowing it, we became warm and generous. Our need for love meant we became good at pleasing others. Imperceptibly, like moss on a tree, it became a part of us. We loved to surprise a regular customer with our generosity, offering them a second bowl of soup for free or a slice of dessert wrapped up to take home. From one day to the next, love worked to tune our ears to listen more attentively to people, to sharpen our eyes so we would recognize a customer when they returned, to guide our hands to delight them and to ignite joyful creativity deep within our brains. This redeeming energy made its way through us, shaping our willpower, our minds, our industrious imaginations that would became the reason for our success in business. Each employee added their own magic touch! And that’s how offering our customers an extra small treat after their meal became a tradition. During a Christmas dinner in 1987, one of our waitresses had wrapped large fudge squares in wax paper for each guest to take home. The next morning, at work in my tiny kitchen, I decided that we’d offer a complimentary piece of fudge to every customer who’d come in for breakfast. Everyone eating at a Cora restaurant would be greeted with a warm “hello” upon their arrival and would be thanked with an indulgent sweet moment to take away upon their departure. And the tradition persists to this day, 38 years later. Don’t hesitate to take your fudge: one square for you and a second one for me! If you’d like to delight the sweet tooths in your family or circle of friends, here’s the recipe: Ingredients 3 cups (750 ml) light brown sugar 2/3 cup (150 ml) melted butter 2/3 cup (150 ml) 15% or 35% M.F. cream 2 cups (500 ml) icing sugar A few pinches of love Preparation  Grease a 6-inch x 10-inch pan. In a saucepan, mix the brown sugar, butter and cream together. Bring to a boil. When it reaches a boil, continue cooking for 5 more minutes. Remove from the heat. Gradually add the icing sugar, continuously whisking by hand or with a hand mixer until smooth. Transfer the mixture to the pan, spreading it out evenly. Let cool and cut into squares. Enjoy in moderation and share generously! Cora ❤️

Late one night, I was raising my arms, touching my legs, turning my head to one side and then the other as if I were driving a strange machine. This tough body in which I live transports me where I wish to go, a real-life vehicle, made of a strong frame, able to house and feed. I’ve never really worried about the human body. Of course I coexist with it every day. Slowly but surely, I notice it getting weaker and losing its agility. Like a fur coat worn for a thousand years, its casing cracks and splits, and becomes damaged and stained. I’ve never helped things either, completely ignoring magical creams that might have helped slow down my skin’s degeneration. Born in a large bay between land and sea, I’ve always thought of myself as strong as the rocks of the Gaspé cliffs and bright like the water of the high tides. Since they were much too busy trying to get along and find a compromise to their joyless marriage, my parents never really had the time to educate their kids. Our bodies matured in complete freedom; a bit like wild cattails on the side of the road. Quickly forced to earn our living, my siblings and I never had time to get to know each other. We knew little about ourselves until each one of us found courage and determination and discovered our strengths, weaknesses, talents and fears. We aged, and here I am today, already in my seventy-eighth year on earth. This old body, tired and worn, still serves me faithfully. What should I call it? Persona, individual, anatomy, matter, corpus, substance or perhaps organism? What a strange thing this body is that keeps on going! I guess it’s like the house that never wonders who lives under its roof; it simply provides accommodation and shelter. I appreciate everything this body is and has been, everything it still insists on doing for me after all these years. It doesn’t moan, although it does make some noise; it never curses or contradicts me. This ultimate wonder of the world deserves all my praises and, one day, someone will have to place Holland’s most beautiful tulips at its feet in my name. Will this body also give up its soul and die one day? How can I go on without it? It gesticulates, speaks, gets agitated and says everything I feel like saying. It faces adversity, cares for my creative processor and gives life to many of my desires. When it’s upset, annoyed, tired or displeased, this body raises its voice. Sometimes I feel like its heartbeat invents an unbearable gallop just to distract us. Until it releases its last breath, this venerable body will keep me alive. What will happen to me afterwards? Without this body, what will I see in the mirror? Who will I be in the world? A fleeting memory, a deactivated nuclear plant? Without these eyes, I will quickly forget the beauty. Without this nose’s olfactive power, I’ll give up the scent of flowers, and without this basic mobility, I’ll become the living dead searching for eternal rest. Yet I anticipate an imperceptible acceptance of everything I am before I no longer am. This breath of life will animate me and manifest itself at the centre of the universe I’ll have created myself. At least that’s what the wise thinkers say. My thoughts, my conscience, my discernment and all the love my heart contains will not die. This breath, this happy immaterial presence in a material world, will be immortal. And when the time comes for the body to decompose, this house of flesh will transform into a million shooting stars. When my fingers climb on top of each other and I’m unable to stop them from escaping, I remain still and calm. I savour this suspended moment. I patiently wait for the moment when my knuckles dislocate, my palms drop their load and I can no longer stand up against the inevitable. I’m waiting for the final show when the body collapses and is reborn as millions of particles of hope, and when the heart finally arrives at Heaven’s gate. But the breath remains, searching for another home to house its airy matter; a kind of divine state of mind that any departed human can experience. Cora ♥️

In my big home, transformed into a library, there’s only a small corner left with room on a bookshelf for another book. All the walls are lined with bookcases, a collection of bestsellers I’ve been dusting for over 30 years. There’s a very long table in my four-season sunroom on which my most recent acquisitions are piling up. And the table is overflowing! I read incessantly, most times unable to separate the good from the bad. I’m no expert when it comes to novels. On the other hand, when someone suggests a book by Dany Laferrière, I read the back cover and buy it regardless of the price, though it’s almost always second-hand. I know, I know! I’m a compulsive buyer when it comes to books. I’m totally unable to resist delicious poetry volumes that enrich my mind. Since I live in the country, my weekly trips revolve around second-hand bookstores, and there are so many in our beautiful Laurentians! Especially in the summertime when people everywhere hold yard sales and lay out their merchandise in the sun. I’ve often gotten my hands on incredible finds that were in good condition, some classics and even a few rarities whose pages had barely been touched. I love books even more than I love ice cream or fudge! Of course, I sometimes fall for a gripping title before I even read the back cover. I seriously think my love of books is turning into an obsession. Really! I glance, I gaze, I get carried away. I grew up and then lived without affection, attention and, worse, even love. Am I compensating today by accumulating so many great books to keep me company? These piles of books certainly fill an existential void. Each one perhaps camouflaging the bars of an imaginary prison. How can I free myself from this compulsive obsession to buy books, no matter how amazing they are? It’s my worst flaw, my vice: being a compulsive buyer who can’t stop herself from constantly buying new or used books I will probably never read, not even partially. There are some true book lovers who leaf through them with respect, keep a few of their favourite ones and display them like trophies on their shelves, a bit like me. And then there’s the real me, the maniac shopper who can’t resist buying new works that I most likely will never have time to read. Will my love of books die with me? With tears in my eyes, I’ve already given away six large IKEA bags filled with my best cookbooks to municipal organizations. I was warmly thanked for it; maybe I should do the same for some of the classics and novels I’ve pretty much all read. How will I manage? I’ll never be able to sort through them all, and discarding them would break my heart. For all kinds of reasons, I love each one of my books – especially those that’ve taught me how to live, express myself and write properly. All these pages that speak to me, the invented stories, the Sunday letters and a few published books. My life can be summed up as an accumulation of printed words, carefully preserved. Cora ♥️

What should I make of this strange theme occupying my mind today? I fold and unfold my hands; the cold entering my ten fingers. For the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to bring this keyboard to life, but all my beautiful words have remained silent. My little self tumbles and falls into the void, most likely too soon. The long train of my breakfast queen dress crumbles like an overcooked cake. Despite the thousand crumbs of words, an abundance of Sunday letters and a feast for the birds, sometimes even in English, words now escape me. What can I say, what can I do? Maybe one morning, or at dusk, my heavy head will empty itself like a dried-up well. I’m in pain and suffering. My world is a vast reservoir of words that scatter, spread out and, on the rare occasion, fly away. This incessant buzz of stories I have difficulty remembering. All the heavy sentences I need to rejuvenate; all the wonderful words I’ve started to forget. I sometimes get the blues, these tiny nips of time. This awful feeling of being lonely, eaten away by depression or anguish. I’ve often written about happy things and real people, like those who wait for my letters each week. All I can do is stay close to my dear readers, to the presence of other humans, to my amazing peers. I don’t want to get off the treadmill of life. Maybe I’ll stagger or even fall at times, but I’ll get back up no matter what. I’ll certainly experience loss, burn a batch of cookies, miss appointments and lose my keys. The important thing is to never forget the human in an encounter, an emotion or a simple curiosity. Could this be my way of escaping loneliness? With my old superhero costume, will I resuscitate my forgotten memories, the free flow of words, the link between my ideas? Most of all, what can I do to slow down the growing absence of these precious words? Would a small comma suffice to change my life’s course? The fog clears, morning is rising. A few vague dreams are still teasing my toes. So many words are falling into the void; so many sentences are fighting to be heard. These aging days have opened an abyss of stupor, sluggishness and dismay. My body leans over my hands resting on the small sink, and the mirror reflects a once pretty face now inflicted with dark circles and wrinkles. I search for a nice word, a good idea. A grimace appears in the mirror. A murder of crows fills my big apple tree, I stay warm in my retreat, peeling off the frocks of apples to make a dessert. What a talented cook I was, the creator of so many delicious breakfasts! I’m almost certain I’ll be feeding the angels and archangels in heaven. The euphoria of possession fades quite quickly. Same goes for obstacles that are just a series of lessons to be learned. Could I have been a little too hard on myself? I always tried my best. I didn’t write to perform, but to express my love for my readers. How can I survive when my reasons for living are shrinking? When work and family no longer need my effort, when my abilities are no longer solicited and I seem to be increasingly useless though I have so much time on my hands and a little energy still. How do you live without desperately hanging onto responsibilities that younger people or others do better? What meaning do you give a life that’s fading? A few wise philosophers speak to me about a new life, a life with no other reason for living than life itself. No more temptation from desiring, hoping, achieving and pursuing success. I only want to be alive, able to read and hold a pencil to write or draw. I promise myself I will change my modus operandi. I’ll soothe the old lady with a few lines of poetry, a few haikus, I’ll take up drawing again, go on road trips in my Mini, maybe even visit the Gaspésie again. Day after day, l’ll continue to observe and describe my small pleasures, my panics, my surprises and my little slips of memory. Calm and willing, I wait until the day’s dying light illuminates the stars! Cora ♥️

For Father’s Day, I’m sharing this story with you: the time I resuscitated my Father’s memory to tell him I loved him. Did I ever tell him? In my head, I see him in front of me, crossing the kitchen floor in Caplan. His large body, suddenly as light as a feather, moving like the ghost of a forgotten man. He almost never spoke to Mom. For her part, she ignored him most of the time. Their conversations were restricted to what was necessary. I remember the painful sorrow that haunted my sisters, my brother and I during those early years as well as the two adults we called Mom and Dad. What roles did they play in our lives besides working to feed us? Often, at night, Dad opened a small can of sardines in just one pull. It would set mom off. I knew it all too well. She’d call him insatiable and remind him that he was already fat enough. “As large as the house,” she’d complain to Mrs. Berthelot, our neighbour. Dad grabbed the big red box of crackers in the pantry, opened the glass door of the cabinet and took the red plate that belonged to Granny Cora, his mother. I knew he always got a small craving at night, a voracious grief devouring his heart. It made me sad to see Mom insult him while he sat there eating in silence. Dad would take two headless, drained sardines with his fingers and lay them out on a cracker. Then, with his large hand, he’d drown his sorrow in his wide-open mouth. Then came the audible “crunch, crunch” of the sardines and crackers being dispatched in one go. Did I ever tell him I loved him? For fun, the youngest one sometimes clambered on top of Dad when he was stretched out on the couch. Sitting astride his belly, she’d grab his shirt and kick her heels into his sides, his flesh already bruised by life. “Yee haw!” yelled my brother who tried to catch Dad’s swollen feet with a lasso. Inevitably, this game threw Mom into a fit of rage. She’d immediately order me to put an end to the nonsense, as Dad laid helpless on the couch. Did I ever tell him I loved him? When night came, I sometimes heard Mom vent her hostility on Dad. I cried, my head under the pillow. I sobbed again when Dad left on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning with his travelling salesman’s suitcase. I had to wait five long days before he’d return home. Did I ever tell him I loved him? The day before his departure, as Mom ironed Dad’s shirts and two pairs of pants, I’d hear her grumble about Dad’s size. She had to extend each leg twice on the ironing board, plus do the crotch, the pockets and the huge waistline of “her enormous husband,” as she often repeated. Infuriated, she’d apply a damp square of linen to help smooth the fabric. The day after he left for work, Mom would empty her bag of heartache in front of Mrs. Berthelot, who was married to a schoolteacher as skinny as a broomstick. When Dad left home to provide for us, did I ever tell him I loved him? I knew nothing about love in those days. Do I really know any more now? As a child, I cried in secret when I saw Dad sad or hurt. Once married, I sobbed in silence when I had to face my overwhelming solitude. I was still very young and could tell that something wasn’t right between my parents. I observed our neighbours and noticed that, in our home, there was no affection between the parents. No kisses behind the ear that our neighbour gave his wife; no exchange of mischievous smiles or weekend trips to the cottage without the kids. Between our parents, the essential was absent. Even my brother had mentioned to Grandpa Frédéric that Dad brought sadness back with him every Friday night when he’d return from his travels. One day, I must’ve been five or six, Dad came back from a trip and called me “Coco.” A small word that felt as soft as a kitten’s ears. The first time I heard him calling me Coco, my young heart shivered with happiness. As if the cat’s paw had found its way into the palm of my hand. For the entire week that followed, that short word reminded me of Dad’s face, his eyes lighting sparkles in mine. Did I ever tell him I loved him? Then, one day, we left the orange cliffs of my childhood. But sorrow always moved with us, settling in at each subsequent home: in Mont-Joli, Sainte-Foy, in the suburbs of Montreal and, finally, in Sainte-Adèle. By that time, it was only the two of them. Dad passed away there, and the sorrow disappeared with him. In turn, I became an adult who also never knew the sweet nothings, tender looks and kisses enjoyed between husband and wife. As I’ve written in a previous letter, I only learned about the reasons for their heavy grief at Mom’s funeral. Mom had been in love with a Protestant anglophone but was forced by the town priest and family to leave him. My grandfather convinced his broken-hearted daughter to marry a good man. A man who was crazy for her but who was never able to win her heart. Sometimes, we sacrifice a whole life in the hopes of a few kisses or tender words whispered behind our ear. We imagine love as big as a mountain and, while we wait in vain, the mountain engulfs us. Big as it may be, it’s never enough to fill the void of love in our poor hearts. I never really learned to say “I love you.” Those absent words, that unspoken, brief declaration full of meaning hung heavy on the sorrow I lived with since childhood. Today, an old woman, I decided to resuscitate my dad to tell him I loved him. Yes, I love you, dearest Dad. You were my first love and you may just very well be my last, although I hope that won’t be true. If you can, send me an angel from above, Dad, one who will take human shape as a good, kind-hearted man, who’ll love as much as I loved you. Your sweet Coco. Happy Father’s Day to all dads! 💖

One morning, at the grocery store, miserable like a pumpkin who thinks it’s a vegetable, I walk down the aisles on the lookout for a little pick-me-up. Inside my sad heart, a few tears fall and blur my short grocery list. Aging and living alone unsettles me, zaps my appetite. I’m losing a bit of weight. Dressed in pants and a jacket a tad too roomy now, I walk down the frozen aisle like a polar-class icebreaker headed straight for its frozen sorrow. In front of the candy display, I think about my two great-grandsons whose mother doesn’t want them eating hard candies. Personally, I have a sweet spot for the black-brown candy that tastes like coffee. So delicious! A young redhead approaches and places exactly 225 grams of sweets on the small candy scale. — “Half a pound of happiness!,” says the young man. I wonder if it’ll be enough to satisfy his sweet tooth. A heat wave suddenly clutches my insides. It’s noon on the dot, and, standing in this large grocery store, I’m hungry for hugs. I’m thirsty for love. I’d love to be in someone’s arms, in my mother’s or father’s arms, so they could rock me, reassure me and tell me tender words. In the lettuce section, a handsome older man with a white apron strikes up a conversation with me and explains all the benefits of avocados. Avocado in French is spelled “avocat,” which sounds the same as the word for “lawyer.” So I reply with a smile: “The avocat (lawyer) I know is in very good health. He spends his days in the office drawing up important franchise and work contracts for the company.” — “Excuse me, but the “avocat” I’m talking about is edible! Rich in lipids, it provides all kinds of healthy benefits.” — “Well, I should eat more of them then, shouldn’t I?” — “Take my word for it,” says the older man in the white apron. “I eat two or three every week, and I’m in tip-top shape. I play hockey, I jump rope and my wife forces me to maintain a big garden in the summer and shovel the snow in the winter.” Heavens! I want to place this man wearing a white apron in my shopping cart. Instead, I feel the avocado. It turns out to be not too hard, nor too soft, and I eventually take two of them. The expert in the apron confirms they’re perfectly ripe and ready to eat. I suppose you can never have too much protection against diseases and other nasty things. Then I make my way to the least interesting aisle to visit. On my right, soups, other canned goods and a thousand and one crackers. On my left, a mix of marinades, shrimp cocktail sauces and the new, made-in-Quebec real mayonnaise, MAG. I’m hungry! I’ll certainly need a few slices of ham and two or three well-washed lettuce leaves if I want to taste this delightful mayo between two slices of bread. As I approach the fishmonger’s kingdom, I pretend to mentally count the number of lobsters I’ll need for my party of eight coming over on Saturday. The man, also handsome, takes a moment to think and comes around to the front of the display. He draws near to me and asks if any sides will be served with the lobsters. I weaken at the knees. I almost want to faint just so I can end up in his arms! In front of me, a hundred perfectly cooked red lobsters are laid out on a bed of snow waiting to be taken home. Once again, I glance at the good-looking fellow who smells lightly of seaweed. He’s a bit younger than me and married. His handsome face is to die for. Since we chat almost every time I come to do my grocery shopping, the fishmonger knows I’m from Gaspésie and, since lobster season is in full swing, he takes the liberty of touching my hand and chooses a very big one for me. Tonight, the big lobster and I will have a party. Once at home, I take the hammer out of the toolbox. Just like Grandpa Frédéric taught me, I start by rinsing my tools in boiling water: the hammer to break the shell and the knife to carve out the insides. Then, I delicately open the big lobster’s belly. Wow, it’s full of meat! I pull and cut away the animal’s four pairs of legs, its two impressive front claws and the enormous muscular tail, ready to come off. Suddenly I remember I’d also put a jar of the new mayo and two avocados in my cart. Perfect! I decide to treat myself to a real feast. I take a nice serving dish, a large soup bowl for the animal’s shell and my assortment of lobster crackers and forks from the cupboard. Then I uncork a good bottle of white wine and relish the moment. My big red lobster swallowed my sorrow whole! Cora ❤️

Do you remember my friend the journalist who’s interviewed me on a few occasions with her insightful questions? She’s sent me a few more queries to get my pen going. I felt like saying no, but I relent and say YES. — “What do you still want to know about me? I’ve shared so many things already! Now my heart hesitates between retirement and old age. There’s nothing very interesting to report other than my writing, which often feeds my mind in the morning. Go ahead, dear Isabel, ask away! I’m going to a ball tonight and I have to pick a suitable dress.” — “You’re going to a ball?” — “No, but I like the idea!” — “You seem in a mighty good mood this morning, jokes and all, Madame Cora! How’s your health? Do you still work? — “Yes, I’ve aged, just like the beautiful red leather couch in the living room. Its upholstery is a bit wrinkled, like my neck, but it’s the best place for an afternoon nap! I’m in great shape! My health, knock on wood, is good. My fingers type away on the keyboard, but my kneecaps moan a bit and keep me from praying on my knees, haha!” — “Madame Cora, are we born an entrepreneur or do we become one?” — “I became one. I was a thinker who only dreamt of writing poems. Then my marriage turned my life and dreams upside down. I entered the restaurant business to feed my kids. My success as a businesswoman came to me as a complete surprise. Maybe my creativity was the constant ingredient that made it all possible? If we’re talking about my birth, I’d say I was born somewhere between the 26 letters of the alphabet. Really! My ability to write remains the most precious thing I possess. A treasure I discovered later on. As for becoming an entrepreneur, I started when I opened a small 29-seat restaurant. It quickly became apparent that I had a flair and talent for cooking. I created an amazing breakfast restaurant concept by focusing on the first meal of the day. Our brand rapidly expanded into a network of some 150 breakfast restaurants across Canada, and I became the humble, and grateful, Queen of Breakfast.” — “Do you consider yourself a lone wolf or a social butterfly?” — “I still don’t truly know myself. I guess I mostly consider myself a lone wolf who learned to read, write and count. In business, I had to surround myself with others and work as a pack. I’ve always done my best for my children, employees and wonderful clients. For so many years I was a very serious woman. And now, at 78, I tend to be more of a social butterfly, playing the fool. I’m still a touch serious, however.” — “We all know that your hobby is writing. At the beginning of the pandemic, you started publishing a letter each Sunday and you’ve kept at it. Will you ever stop?” — “I swear, I need to write to express my emotions and rid myself of my obsessions. I want to continue to write until my heart stops beating. So many ants are still marching between my lines. I want to empty my head. Last time, you asked me if I preferred to draw or write, and I forgot to answer. I prefer to write, but I do love to draw, especially fruit, flowers and exotic birds of every colour. And owls. But you already know that!” — “What can someone offer a woman like yourself, who lacks for nothing?” — “Knit me another 22 years so that I can live to celebrate my hundredth birthday. Find me a partner who’s worth his salt! A tender, kind and educated man who loves going to the movies like I do. I want nothing else than to hold in my heart this divine providence that’s always aided me.” — “What would you tell a handsome suitor?” — “With several kilos of wisdom under my apron, I would first say nothing and listen intently to the words he attempts to seduce me with. I’d study his overall appearance, his clothing, his well-brushed shoes and notice the elegant smell of cologne hidden behind his ears. Almost every morning, when I’m writing at McDonald’s, I get an eyeful! I have my pick of the tall fellas who walk in on strong legs to place their order, as opposed to the lazy ones who take the drive-thru. I dillydally, I have fun. The more you eat, the bigger your appetite!” — “Speaking of which, let’s have a little fun! If you were a vegetable, which one would you be, and why?” — “Dear Isabel, if I were a vegetable, I’d most definitely be a nice ear of corn. A yellow like my yellow Cora sun, full of vitamins, phosphorus, magnesium and potassium. With my thick head of hair blowing in the wind, I’d stand tall in the fields until ripe and ready. Then I’d be carefully picked under the bright August sky, likely for a corn roast, where I’d no doubt be feted as the queen of the day. Every vegetable should have its minute of fame!” Cora ♥️

The older I get, the more I’m tempted to jump the fence of common sense. I realize that my life will come to an end sooner than later. I imagine a few scenarios. My wrinkling knees, my fingers climbing over each other, my awful forgetfulness and memory, which is becoming like a sieve. I scatter a few seeds in my declining cerebellum every day, and nothing grows. I try to write, search for evocative words, elaborate sentences, a new story to tell. I go on with my day and implore the angels. Could writing still be my morning prayer? Very early, often at the coffee shop, I write my story as if I will never die. Today (May 11, 2025), I celebrate Mother’s Day, the day of mothers everywhere, and wonder where my three children are. All of them are in their fifties, and maybe it’ll be their offspring that’ll wish me “Happy Mother’s Day, Gran!” before the end of the day. That’s how life goes, and so does my age, busy climbing higher than the clouds. I try to be strong but my memory is failing me. I live according to my inner weather, with its fog-shrouded and sun-lit days hidden within me. I see the yellow, dandelion-flecked grass, the uncomfortably cold water in the pool, the two groundhogs under my porch, a few young deer chewing on my cedar hedge. Outside, a few crows cling and flap on my sloped roof, fixing their eyes on a small yellow goldfinch with blackish wings. I quickly put on my old boots and fill all the bird feeders with sunflower seeds. Will the yellow bird build its nest close to my large kitchen windows? Am I in control of the situation? I sometimes get the impression that the sides of my big house are shrinking by the minute. The more I read, the more the books stack up, and the more I forget the themes of my book shelves. Every morning, I write so that my life continues to be worth living. Fatherless mother, addicted to words, I always have a notepad nearby, one or two pens that don’t stain my fingers, notes and a thousand more to remember, copy and tweak… My mind goes down unpredictable paths; a unique succession of lines all heading towards the empire of silence. Will I live much longer? I’d like to fall asleep in a vast forest of firs. Lying on my back, I’d breathe in the sublime fragrance of the trees. Without any tears or remorse, I’d simply become nourishment for the earthworms. For me, living is a pleasure that’s starting to crease with worry. No more long trips in my Mini, spontaneous road trips and exhausted arrivals. I hope I can still imagine everything I haven’t lived. Even love, this unstoppable vagabond. Would I have heard him if he had knocked on my door? I was too busy earning a living as a businesswoman; did all my success keep me from love? Even though my name is posted in large letters on more than 140 restaurant locations, who will remember me? I swear writing remains the best thing I can do to lighten the mental fog in my mind. For the last five years now, I’ve been writing almost daily. I also often write at night in my bed when a nightmare wakes me with a start. I only drink water during the night so that my ideas can flow. I often feel that writing a story causes quivers in my mind that are increasingly difficult to define. Sometimes a title comes to me ready to be laid out on the page, an enigmatic line is forgotten, maybe a half-unearthed memory from my childhood in Gaspésie. I dig, explore and search for time to extend my existence. I may be an old slate, but in excellent health despite the whims of a memory that seems to have a mind of its own. I still have so much to say before I head out to the open sea. So many questions to answer, so many people to thank for loving me. Cora ♥️

During the last five years, I’ve recounted my life story. I’ve shared my best recipes and my successes. I didn’t skimp on details about my failed marriage. I’ve told you about my travels and everyday life that I’ve embellished with my words. I’ve admitted that I’m still searching for the love of my life, having even tried my luck with a matchmaking agency! I’ve written about what I wish to complete before flying away. I still have a few secrets over which I have spilled many tears. Will I reveal them to you before I put down my pen for the last time? All the frozen tears and all the horrible words that came from Husband’s mouth were slowly killing me. I wasn’t 30 yet and my entire life revolved around him and the three children, moving from here to there, to another cockroach-infested apartment. I was afraid each time the baby woke up at night crying and hungry. I didn’t switch the lights on when I heated the milk bottle so I didn’t have to see the cockroaches dancing on the kitchen floor. As for Husband, the gambler, dancer and drinker, I’d worry when he came home in the wee hours of the morning. Did he still have enough strength in him to carry the children back to their beds? Motionless, with my eyes closed, I kept my back to him and pretended to be sound asleep. All I thought about was escaping an awful marriage that had deprived me of my native language and kept me from reading and writing, which I missed terribly. Since he’d sleep until noon, I’d dress and feed the kids, almost in silence, and then we’d tumble down the three flights of the dreadful triplex’s dilapidated stairs with the littlest one strapped securely in his baby carriage. I’d try to smile, even with my heart in shreds and my soul as empty as a pagan church. When a neighbour would say hello, I simply felt like crying, crumbling under the weight of my misfortune. Late in September, maybe early October, my period seemed to be off. I know the first symptoms well. The dread of being late, my small breasts swollen and sensitive, the nausea, fatigue and a belly growing a little rounder. I painfully count the days: 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33… I wait for the blood that never comes. Just like before. My heart aches, my body aches and my dizzy head suspects that a new life is moving inside me. I don’t say anything to my mom and dad, and certainly not a word to good-for-nothing Husband, who doesn’t care anyways. I try to hide, but the three children hear me sob. My daughter asks, “Why are you crying, Mommy?” I’m worried I’m pregnant again, and all I want to do is cry. Will I talk about it with the man who never looks at me? He puts his weapon inside me and butchers me every time. I’m writing these lines this morning and I can still feel the despair from those days. Pretending to have a pain in my left breast, I waited for Saturday so that Maria, my sister-in-law, could babysit the children for a few hours. Even without words, she knew what I was up to. She’d also been to the same big hospital and stretched her body on a cold metal table. With Husband still asleep, I tiptoed as I got ready. I made sure I had my health card in hand. My stomach was empty, as I had to stop eating at least 8 hours before the fateful appointment. I stuffed a large bag with a change of loose-fitting clothes and a shirt with short sleeves for the needle that would be injected into my arm. I also pack three or four large sanitary pads and a bunch of clean rags. As I left the triplex, I released all the tears my body had been withholding. I almost changed my mind, but when my feet touched the sidewalk, I found the courage to walk to the bus stop. Once at the hospital, a nurse took me to a small room and asked me to fill out a long questionnaire about my health. When she returned, she took my blood and did an ultrasound to evaluate the stage of the pregnancy. She then explained how the procedure would go. I’d already had an abortion, in Greece, barely a month after giving birth to my youngest son. The old doctor who had performed my postnatal exam had informed Husband that I had become pregnant again. They colluded to give me an abortion. The old doctor put me under and removed the embryo without my consent. This time around, I was fully aware of my decision. It tortured my mind and my heart. The nurse listened to my concerns and answered my questions. I cried, I was ashamed, I wanted to run away and die, but how could I abandon my three little ones? I put my head under the pillow and stopped breathing. A second nurse came in and informed me she had to check my vital signs. She inserted a small tube into my vein. She explained that I would be given a painkiller and sedative. She comforted me and told me I wasn’t going to be asleep, just a bit “out of it.” I was seized with fear when a man entirely dressed in white walked into the room. The doctor, I presumed. He approached my body. The nurse explained to me that the doctor was going to freeze my cervix, the passageway through which a baby emerges at birth. I was well aware that I wasn’t in any situation to bring another child into the world. I also knew, because my sister-in-law told me, that the doctor would insert a small straw-like plastic tube into me to draw out the contents of my uterus. I cried some more, I was afraid and I blamed myself; maybe I’d forgotten to take the small pill I was supposed to swallow every morning. Moments after the procedure was over, I was transferred to the recovery room where I stayed for an hour. A nurse checked my pulse, my heart rate and whether the bleeding had lessened. I couldn’t leave until the sedative and painkillers, which had weakened my reflexes and concentration, had worn off. They strongly recommended that someone accompany me home. I watched the clock and became anxious thinking about being stuck in the late-afternoon traffic on a bus full of passengers, and that Husband might wonder where I was. Even if he didn’t care a shred about me, he’d notice if I were absent. I got dressed slowly, thickening my underwear with two sanitary pads and a rag. All alone, I slowly descended the hospital’s big staircase. Once outside, I made my way to the bus stop with small steps. I must have looked a bit tired because a young girl offered me her seat. On the way home, I went through the full range of emotions. In front of the triplex, courage failed me and I collapsed. I had to get back on my feet quickly before someone saw me, or worse, before Husband caught sight of me. Exhausted, I climbed the stairs to the apartment step by step, holding onto the rail. I called my sister-in-law to let her know I was home and that she could bring the kids back. I took a deep breath and swallowed my pain. I locked this day away in a drawer in my memory. A drawer I rarely open because of the terrible wailing that is audible each time. Cora ❤️